All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
