3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
