It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
