you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
