I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He passed out mid-signature
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
