You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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