I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
