My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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