and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
