I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
