omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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