Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
