The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
