I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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