did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
