so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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