I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize