4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
