So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
