The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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