Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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