just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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