I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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