So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
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