Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
