My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
