I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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