She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
