I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
