But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
