I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You may now shotgun with the bride
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
