I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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