He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
