i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
