Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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