my mouth tastes like poor choices
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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