I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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