So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
