After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
