...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
