As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
