She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
