he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
