We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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