just survived the first fart of the relationship.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
then he tried to convert me to islam
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
