It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
