Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
