i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
