Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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