We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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