my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
